ruins

Monday, February 14, 2011

It’s absolute sorrow that I feel and that you won’t understand it now….that it would take 4 or 5 years more before you fathom everything.


It’s funny how people sometimes look at things only how they want to look at them. They don’t even take a risk or even try to look at it like other people would do. 


Assurance. It’s a word that means nothing to you as of now. It’s just a piece of shit. As you would narrate, you don’t even know how to say and worst of all, how to give it.


You told me that I didn’t have the heart to accept you bits and pieces. But in reality, it is you who can’t accept the real you. Why did I say that? Because you did not let me embrace the reasons to accept you. God and you know that I did try. 


We all want things to stay the same, settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change.


Ruin is the road to transformation. A famous line in a famous movie.


We must always be prepared of endless waves of transformation. Both of us deserve better than staying together because we’re afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t.


I’ve been wondering, these past days that we’re apart, it’s been miserable, to be frank. But to be more frank, it made me even stronger. Yes, I cry, every day I cry. Every minute, I get all misty eyed, but still, I feel so secure about myself, even braver to sleep at night with your pillow by my side and not afraid to wake up in the morning, still alone. 


Before, I feel unwanted when I don’t get messages from you. But now, I find a peace of mind or of some sort when I see myself not sending you any of it. I’m thinking that if I get used to this part, I will stand a whole day without expecting a message from you or a call. Or I won’t even notice, letting a month pass by without waiting any of it coming from you. Sad but it’s true. 


Why would I need another man to fall in love with when I am still madly in love with you? The last time we made love, you asked me to get up but I stayed in the dark, naked. I cried. Because once again, I felt you, I tasted you and I succumbed to the feeling that is so true. Heaven. I cried because I once again saw reality in you. 

learn to unlearn

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Misocainea (noun) - an abnormal dislike for new ideas.
Sophiology - the science of ideas.
Neoteric - a modern person; accepting new ideas and practices.
Neurotic n. Informal A person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset.
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Since I am the type of person that does not want to share sentiments and excess baggages to other people because I believe that they are already carrying theirs, why should I still constitute? Right?


I just share my thoughts to those who are willing to listen and decipher things with me. Otherwise, I’d rather keep  my predicaments to myself. I have been acting low-spirited for the past few days and this is strange. This is not the usual me. Everyone starts to notice. Everyone starts to ask. But I just smile at them when they ask. 


Before going out of my mind, I want to conduct a little research of what kind of sh*t I am trying to endure.




Cause/s (?)




Effects:

• not able to get enough sleep
• weight loss (resulting from poor appetite)
• loses focus on some things
• starts to display minor symptoms of catatonia

Conceivable solutions:

• switching off the mobile phone (might help)
• blogging about it (it absolutely helps)
• finding some positive diversions (they are just hiding somewhere)
• associating self with high-spirited people
• only God knows what else….

I have also been trying to come up with an emo sh*t piece of poem but thoughts seemed to have scattered everywhere. Every time I try picking them up, they turn into a bunch of autumn leaves. Dried.Lifeless. Until they run through my clutching hands like falling sand.

I try to be Neoteric for a change, but I end up being neurotic. Pathetic. I started to become unwilling to do things if not for the need to do them.

Good news is, I stopped staring at the empty walls becauseI don’t have time to do that anymore. Long vacation has ended. But I still get teary-eyed every now and then. I was teary eyed just handing my fare to the bus conductor (kunduktor ng bus in Filipino) last night. Oh, and I discovered another talent, I can put a smile on my face while I get all  teary eyed. 

Now, I am still thinking, how am I going to like the new ideas I dislike? How am I going to unlearn what I have learned for the past 2 years?

The answer is: IDK.

limited edition

 

 

 

for the road

Saturday.

Group messaging is cool. I just learned doing it last year. Shame on me! But who cares, at least I have learned doing something new, thing is, it is very simple. Anyhoo…last Saturday, I GM’ed some of my friends a hilarious joke. Seriously, it’s hilarious. But I can’t translate it in English because it won’t sound funny any longer. Then, my ex boss, Jennie, replied to me saying that I am an addict!

Until we decided to hang out because it was ages ago since the last time we chatted. So I said yes to her invitation because we have a lot of things to catch up on din naman.

me and Jennie

@ the For The Road in Madison Square

I also jammed with the acoustic duo and sang STAY (I missed you) by Lisa Loeb, regrettably, there was no photo of the said act. Applause!

singular

I

 haven’t written anything here for the past 5 days (?) because I had a very long vacation. I spent most of those days cleaning my flat because cob webs started owning my turf. I noticed too that it’s gotten dark because of the dirt covering the whole place or it was just my wild imagination again. It was pretty exhausting but at least I got to ‘general clean’ it. I did the laundry……as in completely did my laundry. For those who do not know me very well, I have this thing which I can’t call a disorder for I am not certain if it really is…I leave pieces of clothing in the laundry basket like 2 or 3 when I can possibly include those to have them washed. Why do I do that? I also don’t know. Probably, I hate seeing the basket empty? Valid or invalid, that is how I do my laundry. Case closed.

Now, my place smells fresh. I had to generously pour the solution onto the walls and floor so I finished a big bottle of disinfectant. Sniff. Sniff. Hmmmm, smells good! Adios,  effing microorganisms!

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The feeling of being alone at home finally sunk in. Last 5 days, I caught myself insanely staring at the empty walls.  Silence starts to deafen me. Moreover, listening to my own voice is unbearable. I played an old playlist and the songs went on and on and on like teasingly tell me: YOU ARE ALONE. YOU ARE ALONE. YOU ARE ALONE. Like a broken record.

Have you ever needed someone so bad

Have you ever wanted someone who you just couldn’t have

Did you ever try so hard, that your world just fell apart

Have you ever needed someone so bad

What revenges of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love….
And fate has led you through it.
You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it…
You do what you have to do….
But I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go….

I, I can’t read the future
But I still want to hold you close
Right now, is all I want from you
So give me the morning
Sharing another day
With you, is all I want to know

And baby I, I’ve tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes still shine
You shine like an angel
A spirit that won’t let me go

I, I didn’t want to tell you
Things I didn’t want to know myself
I was afraid to show
But you gave me a reason
A reason to face the truth
To face the truth, face the truth, face the truth

Listening to these songs, ignited my tear ducts once again to let go of a cascade of tears. I know, I know, the act was for losers but what can I do? It is not a crime to cry and let your feelings out. I’m just being real. I miss pop. And I miss mom. I sent her series of messages to share some updates about my ongoing predicament. She understood me. She always does. She prays hard that the next fellow must be for for keeps. She knows that I’m hurt. But I did what I have to do for it is the right thing to do.

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Looking at your profile annoys me now. You used to fascinate me but not anymore. After throwing flaming words at me like I am condescending, manipulative and self righteous. Knowing my worth as a person does not mean I’m condescending and manipulative. Furthermore, knowing and practicing what is right does not make me self righteous. I am just trying to be ME.

You should date an illiterate girl.

 

..

“I just realized that even if you are dying and all of your senses begin to deteriorate, your heart still feels, your tear ducts still allow the fluid to pass when you are hurting. In the end, the heart still defeats the brain.”

~ sulatkamayniisyang

.

 

 You should date an illiterate girl and not as condescending as I am as you say. I didn’t ask to be patronized. Most of all, I never tried acting like I am a self-righteous person.

~ sulatkamayniisyang

 

i don’t patronize

Disclaimer: The title of the blog has nothing to do with the readers but to a certain person I personally know.

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Last Saturday, I went with my friends and a former fella to Makati City and had our inks done. The service rate was practically reasonable, I must say. The artists Randy Amlon and Raiza Amlon are equally good and meticulous, respectively.

to the faithful departed

(a text tattoo dedicated to my father who departed

2 months ago)

“It hurts.” My former fella said.

Yes, I’m friends with him, why not?

One of the artist’s awards

 I chose violet text for

my 4th tat for some reason

I love hue!

Raiza (Randy’s wife) does Mussee’s stargazer tattoo

(her first tat ever)

‘replica’

darker side

JSP, Mussee, Abel (the shaded person), Randy the

one with the hat-like bonnet and me

while getting inked

Scorpion Tattoo

Ryujin Tattoo

my favorite photo amongst all others

dragon god (Ryujin)

yeah!!!

Hiraya (the artists’ offspring)

I quit. No cheat.

aaaaaw!

Stargazer Tattoo

Raiza’s arms

The Artists (Kudos!)

내 한국 친구 (My Korean Friends)

Friday, January 28, 2011

One week before Choice finishes his English Course with me, he told me about his plans of visiting my country with his wife, Green. Their Philippine tour is his gift to Green for their 25th wedding anniversary. Isn’t that sweet? And to be a part of that sweetness is such an honor. 

Morning of 8th of January, as I was waiting at the lobby of their hotel, a guy headed to the reception and was asking about the nearest place to have his money exchanged. I was not so sure if he was the guy I was supposed to meet. I was taken aback when I finally heard him speak. Being his English teacher over the phone, I did not have any idea of how he looks like so I just got to recognize him through his voice.

“Mr. Choice?”, I called as he walks towards his wife.

He looked at me then finally exclaimed: “Ice!”

Let the photographs speak for themselves ….shall we? =)

Me with Choice, his wife Green and friend Peace

Green and Choice enjoying the heart of Manila 

and its busyness (they really asked me to 

take the jeepney in lieu of cab)

With Brother Song, his wife Peace and Green

Our Kalesa Moments in Intramuros with Manong Kutsero

Intramuros

That was an Epistaxis Day! Struggling to remember my

History. In this photo, Choice and I were discussing

Rizal’s Execution.

And the famous Rizal Monument at the Rizal Park, Manila

Of course, Brother Song joined in

Brother Song’s version of ‘against the light’ effect

I love it!

with Manong Kutsero and the tour itinerary

We almost ‘gate-crashed’. A wedding of someone we don’t

know was about to start

as I was translating some Spanish words to English…

Whew! Thanks Spanish 101

They just love the antiques!

Manila Cathedral

We had marinated tapa (beef strips), salted eggs, fried 

St. Peter’s fish, fried Milk fish, fried eggplant and shrimp

paste and our very own 

Sago’t Gulaman (Gulaman bars are made from agar, 

which is processed seaweed. 

The gulaman is cut into cubes 

and served in Filipino drinks like sago at gulaman.

Tapasarapsarap of Binalot is Filipino version of 

Bulgogi, according to Choice and Brother Song

boneless Daing na Bangus 

(milkfish marinated in minced garlic,

vinegar, dash of salt and ground black pepper)

$2

fried eggplant with shrimp paste

for $.44

thinly sliced cured beef

for $1.77

‘Pride’ St. Peter’s fish for

only $1.77

Sago’t Gulaman for $.66

Binalot…you made that lunch 

worth burping for…LOL

Off to Ocean Park

I’m planning to go to Seoul soon

 to spend time with

these wonderful people again.

on being caffeinated and twisted

For others, they drink beverages with alcohol to loosen up. But in my case, it’s different. Coffee loosens me up. It makes me uberly nice, amicable and more sarcastic in a more tolerable and funny way. Coffee also fuels  me with weirder ideas and it gets me very high-strung.

Exempli Gratia, I am not supposed to blog today, but because of my newly brewed brewed coffee, I lustfully stole pictures from the internet and decided to make passages about them. I even thought of posting my old poems but not here (thanks to my BBF and Sunshine for inspiring me).

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Eversince I got my planner from Starbucks, I got so addicted to planning. I know that it’s just psychological but that is the effect of having one. Probably I just needed something to write my plans on. I maybe have had lots of plans before but I didn’t get to execute lots of them because I lack the initiative to write them down. That’s what I thought.

Moreover, I always find myself in a state of being disoriented and often preoccupied. But owning a new planner after having my old one all boxed up together with my old love letters and molded stuff and was almost unused, not to mention, I again brought myself to being organized and having to do the things I used to do. It feels good though I am a little twisted right now.

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Speaking of which, this Saturday, I plan to pig out with old friends. Thinking to have my 4th tattoo done also crossed my mind. I have yet to wait for my artist’s confirmation. Going back to pigging out, I have listed some foods to buy and prepare. If everything will turn out fine, this will be one of my grandest Saturdays ever.

We’ll buy Beef Shank Stew at R and J’s Bulalo House. It is located on Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong City. It is famous for its authentic Bulalo taste.

But in order for you to have a narrower scoop really reach deep into the bone and get at all of the remaining good stuff - the bone marrow.

I also have pan roasted pork or what we call lechong kawali:

It would be perfect to have a spicy dip. Some prefer gravy but I love soysauce and vinegar with bird’s eye chili or siling labuyo.

Another to drool over for is my favorite Garlic Prawns.

I also have Grilled Tilapia (St. Peter’s fish) in my menu. This can be flaked and best eaten without using utensils dipped in lime with soy sauce and chili pepper best for whetting one’s poor appetite.

These won’t be complete without steamed rice. Jasmine Rice preferably.

And we’ll have Chocolate Mousse from Red Ribbon as a dessert.

Thank you and I Red Ribbon!!!